How to Cheat Good?

22 Aug

Alex Halavais teaches you How to cheat good. As a univ. teacher, he’s undoubtedly uniquely qualified to give his studied opinion on the subject.

The tips are:

1. Don’t cheat off family
My suggestion, in this case, is to continue to cut and paste the answer, but to legally change your name. A convenience marriage may do the trick.

2. Don’t talk British.
The only people allowed to use the word “colour” are those with Indian surnames. “Weight,” you may argue, “I was bourne and razed in the english countryside.” I have no doubt, but…

3. You Google, I Google
…copy from something a bit more obscure. Or—and this is really tricky—try making up your own stuff.

4. Dont rite to good
…try not to plagiarize the teacher…Steal her ideas and rephrase them in your own prose, because there is nothing teachers like more than knowing that students can write well but have no original ideas.

5. Malaprop big words
We’ll be udderly convinced of your genuinity…

6. Use the word “rediculous.”

7. Borrow from someone who writes as badly as you do.

8. Edit > Paste Special > Unformatted Text
When I am reading a document in black, Times New Roman, 12pt, and it suddenly changes to blue, Helvetica, 10pt (yes, really), I’m going to guess that something odd may be going on.

His advice on what to do if you follow all eight points and still get caught is reproduced below (since he allows us to reproduce verbatim…)

“Like a postmodern version of Searle’s Chinese Room, I am able to re-articulate existing knowledge through my command of its (re)presentation and manipulation. Any claim to originality ignores what I like to call our ability to stand on the shoulders of giants. By this, I mean that there is a well-known correlation between book sales and height, and we should use their height to our own advantage, to avoid mud and small dogs.

“Also, is it really all that original to give me an F? After all, I’ve already received an F from two other profs this semester alone. Be an original: give me a C.

“By the way, I don’t know who this ‘John Rawls’ guy is—is he even in our major?—but I think it’s possible he cheated off me.

“Finally, and I think this is most vital, my plagiarism in this case is a clear indictment of the educational system. After all, I’ve been failed by my high school and by three years of university, while continually passing. I don’t think it can be entirely my fault if I’ve gotten this far by plagiarism, and in this, my last class, you decide that it is somehow ‘wrong.’ Clearly, you should use this outcome as a way of evaluating your own teaching and expectations.”

The full piece is definitely worth a read, as are the comments! Go look!

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Posted by on August 22, 2006 in Humor, Links


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